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Jokes 2 Valentine's Day Gifts - Humor There should be an equal opportunity system on what to give your Gal for Valentines Day! For instance if they give you.... Good lovin', backrubs, footrubs, hot meals every night, dresses up for ya, smells good for ya, etc. 365 days a year then giving the gift of jewelry or flowers seems appropriate. On the other hand if they give you..... Headaches, the cold-shoulder, tv dinners, dresses like a bum for ya, and refuses to wear deodorant 365 days a year (Exception on days they want somethin' from ya) then it only seems fitting that they get a gift appropriate to their behavior! Let's say aspirin, a book on "how to make men happy", a cookbook, a recorded vhs of the tv show "what not to wear", or a years supply of deodorant! Redneck Territory You know you live in Redneck Territory when the county snowplows are the last ones out on the road! They figure if the folks make it to work safely and the school buses don’t get stuck it’s a fine time for them to hit the roads. Redneck Security Vs. Modern Security Systems Modern security systems sound off an earpiercing siren when an intruder breaks in. You receive a phone call from the security folks asking you if you are okay and they assure you that help is on it's way. While waiting for the troops to arrive you either have to hide from your intruder or face a possible physical attack. Rednecks don't take kindly to strangers in their homes. Rednecks are always looking to have a little target practice. Rednecks don't take to loud noises unless it's the echo from their shotgun blasting. Rednecks "Do Not Hide" from anyone but their wives! New Fishing Hole In Town - Redneck Territory The bait and tackle store was swamped with as many as 70 men backed up in line just waiting to get inside. Pappy who owned the store had never seen this kind of rush in all the years he'd owned the place. Men were loading up their arms with new fishing rods, tackle boxes, and bought out all the fresh bait he had in stock. Pappy finished waiting on the last customer when curiosity got the best of him. He locked up the store and followed after the large crowd that had pretty much emptied his store out. The crowd lined up outside of the new restaraunt that just opened in town. Pappy pushed his way through the crowd to see what all the excitement was about. Lo and behold as he stood there watching through the huge plate glass window he saw at least 6 men inside standing on tables fishing out of the largest fish tank he'd ever seen. Lesson of this story. If you live in Redneck Territory don't be puttin' up fancy fishin' holes iffin' you don't want people to be fishin' out of 'em! Dirty Talk In Chat I was chatting online last night and some babe asked me if I liked to talk about dirty things. What is the internet coming to! She seemed like a pretty nice gal until she started talking like that. I told her I was married and get hollered at all the time about dirty things. Like leaving my dirty socks out, dirty dishes laying around, and how my hands is always dirty! Spanking Law I heard on the news this morning that they are trying to pass a law somewhere that you can’t spank a child under the age of four or you’ll get arrested for a misdemeanor punishable by jail time. Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about! I been trying to tell the neighbor lady that my little Eddie is just teethin’ and not to make such a big deal out of him grabbing on to her ankles and a biting and chewing on her. She keeps yellin’ at me that my boy needs a good whoopin’ and I just don’t agree. They say that spanking a child instills violence in them. Iffin’ Eddie can draw a pint of blood just teethin’ at three years old’ I surely don’t wanna see him become violent! Cousin Billy Got a call from cousin Billy yesterday. He got paroled a few months back and got himself a dog to keep him company. He was wanting me to come over so he could show me a neat trick he'd taught the dog. I showed up and on the doorstep is this tiny rag muffin no bigger than my foot! It was dressed in some fancy kind of outfit with little bows on it's ears. Billy came rushing out the door all excited and carrying on about what a great dog he's got. I looked down at that pile of fluff and just shook my head. As I started into the living room I stopped dead in my tracks. There were huge sacks of mail stacked all over the place. My first instinct was to turn around and get out of dodge FAST before the place got raided. Knowin' Billy he was up to no good again and I didn't want to be his new room-mate at the county jail. Curiosity got the better of me and I cleared a place to sit down. Billy started opening envelopes and pullin' cash out of 'em. Some were filled with as much as a hundred bucks. Billy pulled a contraption off the couch and started messin' with it, then turned it around so I could have a look. It was showin' a movie with that little rag muffin at what looked like a door. All of a sudden the door opens and there's a lady standin' in the door in a nightie. The lady scooped the rag muffin up and was ohhing and awwing about how adorable it was. She sets the dog down and goes back over to the bed where Lo and Behold was Judge Carp dressed like nothin' I've ever seen! High heels, stockings, and a garter! Keep in mind ya'll that Judge Carp is a man! I busted a gut laughing and almost choked! Billy said he had a ton more just like that with other folks in 'em. I said how the heck? Apparently the little rag muffin was wearing a wireless cam. Billy said the dog has a hankerin' for running off to the Sleaze Motel down the block and whenever he went after it , it had weaseled it's way into one of the guests rooms. That's when it hit him that he ought to put a cam on the dog. When Billy got the goods on half the town he sent the rag muffin back to the Motel with copies of the movies of each of 'em caught in the act on a tiny cd letting them know there were more copies stashed away so hush money (cash only) would be much appreciated and a P.O. Box on where to send it. Guess Cousin Billy won't be gettin' sent away again any time soon! Instant Cash! I was driving along checking out some of the storefronts that opened at our shopping center in the past few months. I came across one that had a sign in the window that said "Instant Cash". That got my attention since a man can always use a little extra cash. The lady behind the counter asked me if I was interested in applying for their assistance. I said I didn't need any assistance I was just there for the instant cash. She smiled at me and handed over a six page application and stated it had to filled out in full before they could process the application. I told her I wasn't interested in such a time consuming ordeal but thanked her for the great idea. She looked at me a bit puzzled and asked "what idea?". I told her I was gonna take home that there application and use it on my wife and kids the next time they start bugging me for money. By the time they get that sucker all filled out I can be long gone! Got An Email From The Wife Men and women have different ways of telling outdoor temperatures. Like this mornin' I was gathering wood up for the fireplace making sure the wife had enough wood to keep the house warm and cozy until I get back home from the job. I come trapsing through the kitchen carrying the last armful of wood covered in snow and icesickles hanging off my nostrils. I put myself in front of the fireplace to thaw out a little and I made the statement of how cold it was outside. Meanwhile, the wife is at the sink doing dishes in steaming hot water ready to break out into a sweat not minding a word I had to say. Least wise she didn't come over to cuddle with me and warm me up any like a wife ought to do. So's I give her a peck on the lips and head back out into the subzero zone off to work. About a half hour later I get an email from the wife. Lo and behold she tells me it's cold outside! Go figure! Here's the email I got: Good Morning Handsome, Sure is cold out there. Car was frozen up again this morning. After fighting with the doors for over 17 minutes I finally got the passenger side opened. I think I'll have you open them for me before you head out in the mornings. lol. You never mentioned having to play tug of war with yours. I was so sore from body-slamming and kicking that I decided to do laundry after the sun comes up. Going to go warm up in front of the fireplace and sip on a hot cup of coffee for a bit. Hope your day goes fast. I love you Ma ---------------------------------------------------------- My Reply: Good morning Sweety. Told you it was cold out there. |