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New Jokes By Spill Yer Beans 
Bubba's Thoughts For The Day: Words of Wisdom - Insane Ideas - New Jokes - Bad Advice  Bubba For President! If I win I will pass a bill to have all pyschic hotline bills deducted on your tax returns. After all, you need a pyschic to find out when you'll be sick so you can actually make an appointment to be SEEN by the doctor. Heard a rumor that the city government is thinkin' up new ways to tax people to expand their budgets. First on the agenda was the proposed Dog House tax. I reckon if they come near my dog's house I won't be needing to purchase dog food fer a while. Not so clever ways to get rid of a yard full of leaves.
Ten ways for men to use sanitary napkin pads:
Bubba's Funny Answering Machine Message: This here call is being recorded and is a legal binding agreement between said caller and said resident of phone number 854-555-1212. Bill collectors will be charged $3.95 per message left on my answering machine. If you really want to speak with me in person you will be billed at $9.95 per minute. It’s your dime…I’ve got the time! Hang ups will be billed $0.50 per call. (whoo hoo!!! I'm gonna be rich!!) It's not a good idea to name your dog Fire. Darn dog jumped out of the truck and ran in the school after Tommy on his first day back. Me and Tommy was calling out for Fire trying to get him back outside. I tell ya people just went nuts, running and screaming out of the building like there was a bear on the loose or something! Gas Prices getting you down? Check it out! An application for gasoline assistance ! It don't go by yer wages either. Found this just in the nick o time cause my stingy neighbors all put locking gas caps on their vehicles. I was sitting around killing time today avoiding doing things I really should be doing, like mowing the yard, putting up a door to the front of the house, wife said something about the bugs, dogs, and neighbor kids getting in. While I was sitting around I created a Handy Dandy Prenuptial Agreement". I was just thinkin' what a sorry excuse I am for not having one myself. Ever wonder what people who don't work... do all day? Here's your chance to get a first hand look! Click Here if you agree to keep it a secret (at least from my wife). I just got back from the Doctor's Office. Looks like the Doc partied too much in college. He told me I had to take some tests because he had no clue what was wrong with me. I love new technology. All I had to do was piss in a cup! Don't that just beat all? Tomorrow I'm gonna head to the High School and get my G.E.D. Bought a case of beer to study up for the test! I think the neighbor lady has a crush on me. Every week when I go out in the back to bury my trash she takes a picture of me. My son informed me he no longer had to do chores. There was this thing called child labor. I said fine son, "from here on in taking out the trash and mowin the lawn are your new HOBBIES." The wife's been watchin' them fancy shows on the tv about people remodeling their homes. Thought I'd surprise her and do a little remodeling myself. Been fixin' up the bathroom all day! Dug through the closet and found some shoes she never wears and nailed them on the wall to hold all her fancy stuff. Found some paint in the closet, leave it to a woman to buy paint in tiny bottles, must be cause the brushes come attached to the tops. Painted the toilet. Took all 32 bottles to get just one coat on. Looks like a rainbow. Found a box of permanent dye that covers grey, so figured it would cover some dirt too. Took the bathroom rug outside and gave it a good soaking in the stuff. Still waiting on it to dry. Can't wait to see the look on her face! There's a sucker born every day. Twenty years ago when all the guys were buying their women diamonds, I got my ole lady a ring out of a gumball machine. Most of them guys don't have their ole ladies anymore. I still got my ole lady and the gumball machine! Thought I'd save a few bucks by installing my own alarm system on the house. The wife saw the neighbors get one so of course she has to have one now. Went out to the shed and made a sign, ran to the pharmacy and bought a couple boxes of stuff, then went home to set it all up. It not only protects the house from burglars, it protects it from neighbors, inlaws, bill collectors, etc. The sign reads "This house protected by lice" and has a box of lice shampoo glued to each side of it. Can I sue a company if it neglects to put directions on a can telling me how to open it? Why don't hotels put warning labels on shower stalls and bathtubs that state "Slippery When Wet"? They do on the floors. If your name is Jesus, do you have to change it to attend school these days? I don't get it. Why buy food with zero calories? I don't have much of an education but I do know that calories add fuel to your get up and go! Ain't it like trying to drive a car on water? Duh! I had a brainstorm the other day. It must have flooded my memory. Was watchin’ a show yesterday about people diggin’ up caskets and discoverin’ all sorts of artifacts. Gonna request in my will that they toss an alarm in mine so that when they dig me up it’ll scare the crap out of ‘em! Got a present from my wife today. A box full of bumper stickers. Been told those things go on the bumper of a car. Ain’t got one of those so I slapped one on her rear and told her to take me to the bar. Woke up on the floor with a skillet by my head. Musta been one heck of a party! It's not a good idea to take a crap in your neighbor's yard even though it's okay for their dog to take a crap in yours. I'd like to see six squad cars pull up and surround their dog the next time it's in my yard! Sent my wife to the store for some nails and she came back with a manicure. Where are people's sense of humors these days anyways? For the record... it's not a good idea to wear a t-shirt that says "This is a stick up" when you go to the bank to cash your paycheck. It's not a good idea to use toenail clippers to trim nose hairs. Dole out the 99 cents for a pair of tweezers. Just trust me on this! If my body washes up on the shore some day with cement boots on and you go through my wallet and it's EMPTY...robbery wasn't the motive! I'm just a poor bastard! How are obese people supposed to exercise when all the exercise equipment has a weight limit of 250 lbs? How was I supposed to know I couldn't wash my dog in the washing machine? Just because I graduated from High School doesn't mean I can READ! I thought you had to go to college for that. I think they should put sound activated warnings on dangerous equipment. I tried eating healthy last night but they didn't offer celery sticks at the Movie Theatre. I was given a fine yesterday for speeding downtown. The speed limit was 15 miles an hour in the school zone when all of a sudden I saw my ex wife! I took off running like the wind and some cop on a bike coasted up beside me, pulled me over and gave me a fine. My dad gave me my first car when I was 12. Dad came running through the front door tossed me the keys and said "if anyone asks, it's yours." It was so kewl! I was cruising around town with the lights and sirens on, minding my own business when a bunch of copycats started following me. Long story short...they didn't let me keep it. Embarrassing Scam
Love is... When your husband makes a trip to the pharmacy to purchase you an anema because you're curled up in agony and can't move. Luck is... When your teenager spots you dancing to old time rock-n-roll while your cleaning and doesn't sumit your picture to a joke site. Things "NOT" Searched For On The Internet: ...how to attract tornadoes (thrill seekers) ...directions to Police Station ...what to serve an Alien for breakfast ...principle of the year awards ...training mosquitoes not to bite ...signs that my boss is a serial killer ...10 Year Reunions for divorced couples ...how to get your kids to stop eating vegetables ...world's Greatest Coroners ...free STDs Exclusive Joke by Spillyerbeans: News Bulletin: Just in from station LZBUM ALERT: We just received a tip from one of our field agents that there is an underground DNA Distribution located in the U.S.A. that has millions of residents DNA stored there. Special Agent Marksman has been undercover for the past 6 months unable to locate the whereabouts of this underground operation. We are asking the publics help in locating the thugs in charge of this operation. The suspects were first thought to be hair salons where samples of hair could be collected without any suspicion. Studies showed that 1/3 of Americans are bald so the salons have been ruled out. Next, were the Dr.’s Office’s where they always want to “run tests”. Studies showed that over half of Americans couldn’t afford health care so that ruled them out. Important Update!!! We have just been informed that the tip came from a worker at “The Dept. of Sewage & Waste”, and was a result of a practical joke. The manager has taken affirmative action by fitting the punishment with the crime. The worker is now in charge of “sorting out” the DNA. Parody Page: Enter by clicking image below. 
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